


Stripped Bare

by Linane



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, BOFA Fix-It, Fili & Kili survive, Flashbacks, Lots of Angst, M/M, PTSD?, but resolved angst, dealing with battle, emotional h/c, h/c, implied Thorin's death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 13:39:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3730948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linane/pseuds/Linane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the BOFA now over it's time to process and accept what has happened, what has been done to them and as Kili's hands tug away parts of his armour Fili struggles to hold himself together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stripped Bare

He startles when Kili takes his hand and watches, with some distant surprise, as it takes Kili’s fingers on his wrist to stop the trembling.

“They will be a while yet, but we can at least get started.” 

Kili’s voice is warm and gentle, but shaking around the edges, as those deft archer’s fingers reach for the buckles.

That’s right. Dain ordered the healers to tend to those most badly wounded first, so right now the rank and birthright doesn’t count for anything. Which is only right. All is as it should be.

Fili vaguely remembers agreeing with him. He can’t recall why he’d been asked about it though. 

“- Clean up, and we probably both need some bandages. You’re bleeding…” Kili continues, but now there’s a hint of worry in his voice, and Fili lets himself sink into the familiar tone, clings to it.

Their position does, however, earn them a tent. Dain’s personal tent to be precise, all lined up with precious carpets and tapestries; even the bowl that Kili filled with water and brought with him is made out of pure gold.

None of it matters to Fili of course, it never has. But the tent does offer them the privacy they would otherwise be stripped of and Fili appreciates that greatly.

Meanwhile Kili’s fingers have removed the first vambrace and are now tugging at the bloodied glove underneath.

Fili wants to protest, he will need it still, they will come and he will need every scrap of leather and metal covering his body to protect himself.

_Orcs. So many orcs, like he had never seen in his life. Finally Thorin’s stories of Azanulbizar ring true, finally he appreciates the scale of the mindless destruction. And he’s right in the thick of it and it’s all about one more swing of his heavy battle sword, one more dodge, one more breath._

_They are coming at him from all angles and it’s not like during an orc raid or defending their borders, they never wait for him to be finished with one before another one is upon him. So they never die. He never has the time to deal the killing blow, he just stabs blindly and hopes that the blood loss will do the rest and that his arm will stay strong enough to rise in time to block his death._

_Or worse yet, the death of those he cares about._

_Mahal give him strength._

“You can let go. I’m here, Fili, I’m not going away.”

Kili is being patient. He’s never meant to be patient, he’s meant to be rash and carefree and laughing. Fili makes himself release Kili’s hand, but doesn’t dare look up into his face. And to think that he used to hate the height difference between them.

He lets Kili remove his other vambrace and the other glove, smooth and soft with sweat. He tells himself that he’d let Kili do anything he wants, anything at all, and forces the trust he’s known his entire life to overrule the panic rising within him.

They’re just gloves, just his hands and wrists and none of the wounds there can be fatal.

They’re just his hands.

_He’s hacked off a goblin’s hand earlier today. At least he thinks it was a goblin, it was smaller than the regular orcs. Still nearly his height. It screeched and stared in blank disbelief for a split second before Fili’s sword cleaved its collarbone in half._

_Mercy._

_Dwarves don’t teach their children about mercy, but somewhere between the number of small, injured animals that Kili had brought home over the years, between his mother’s gentle voice, Bofur’s kind eyes and Dori’s watchful manner, Fili managed to teach himself._

A hand on his jaw asks him to tilt his head before his hair is pulled out of the way, making his throat bare.

“ _Weakness_.” Thorin hisses in his mind, but this is Kili and Kili would never – 

But the familiar fingers only reach for the ties to his pauldrons, one, two and suddenly a great weight is lifted from his shoulders. He’s a dwarf, he could take their weight and more, but it cannot diminish the sensation of being liberated and he can’t help but take a deep shuddering breath, spoiled a bit by the flash of pain in his back.

“Okay?”

Kili is closer now, hovering over his face, his eyes careful, but blurred by the proximity.

“Yeah…”

Reaching for the outer leather kaftan – 

“NO!” He stumbles back blindly, limping.

_They jerked him by that kaftan as if he was a rag doll._

_One of them flayed him, hard. Over and over again until the leather on the back split and hang in tatters._

_If it was his own skin he’d be dead._

_But it was worth it, the slow crawl, bent low to the ground, worth it for the long curved knife he managed to pull out of one of their boots, stabbing and slashing blindly around himself, and the one who flayed him, even if he lived, would never walk again._

There will be bruises to his arms and shoulders, where there wasn’t enough protection. Kili musn’t see. 

“Easy.” Kili’s hands on his shoulders are delicate enough to only remind him that the bruises are there, not even cause discomfort. “Even you can’t be invincible forever.”

And when did Kili grow up so? What have they done to his little brother to make him sound so… wise? Nobody asked him if they were allowed to do this and now Fili isn’t sure how to take it, feels like something has shifted between them and Fili will need time to adjust to it.

Of course, something _has_ shifted between them.

“I know you’re hurt and I know it’s not pretty. But you have to let me do this.”

But he will need the kaftan! He will need as many layers as he can get to protect – 

To protect his heart. 

It’s still beating, right? He can feel it faintly in his ears and it’s a wonder that his heart should carry on when so many others‘ gave up. 

_The bodies were littering the ground. Orcs, men, elves, dwarves. So much hope and potential trampled into the mud, soaked up by the ground as blood. And for what?_

_It was never worth it. No matter what Thorin said, no matter if it was rightfully theirs and if they were honour-bound to reclaim it._

_Fili would never let it happen if he had known._

_“We are fighters. All of us. To the last dwarf!”_

_He had no idea. He was so foolish._

“Fili? Fili, look at me.”

“I need it. Please.”

“No, you don’t. Not anymore. It’s over now.”

His breaths are short and fast, one, two, three, eyes fixed on the little, meticulous circles of metal over Kili’s chest –

“You will need help too. You have even more weight on you than I do.” He knows, he remembers his own shaking hands before the battle, wrapping his little brother in anything that could save him.

_”What if I never see you again?”_

“Alright.” Kili’s hands reaching for his thick leather belt and he doesn’t care where it lands. “Take it off.”

This is worse. The need to protect himself is born out of the pure self-reservation instinct. The need to protect Kili – Kili’s heart, Kili’s chest, Kili’s body, Kili’s laughter, Kili’s constant, cheering presence – is born of –

Love.

Fili has been stripped already, in a sense. Stripped of appearances and pretence. Taught to take things for what they are, a lesson driven home with the harsh blows of morning-stars, axes and hatchets. 

So now it’s obvious really, always has been, but it’s evolving now and he has so much doubt about whether he’s brave enough to pay attention, and listen to what he needs, what his heart (beating, still, stubborn) perceives as his only chance to be whole once again. 

“Kili -”

“Take it off. I’m afraid, too. I have seen things –“ Pain in the brown eyes and Fili feels his own eyes filling with tears. He has failed to protect him. “But if you and I both don’t take it off right now, we never will. Ever.”

“No –“

“You will be like Thorin. Always in armour, even next to the ones he loves and cares for. Bound by it, a cage of your own making.” Forehead against forehead now, this way his gruff and strong people found to express closeness. “I’m scared, Fili. I’m so scared. I’m not strong enough to take it off myself. But you… I would let _you_ do it. And I think… you would let me do it too.”

Fili understands – his hands reaching for the chainmail on Kili’s chest and pulling it aside, not looking as it hits the floor with a metallic ring – his mind has already chosen this path as well, and Kili is right, he would let him do anything. 

It doesn’t make it any less terrifying. 

They put each other into all this armour and now to take it off is to admit and accept that it’s all over, that the Battle is now a part of them, has changed them and that they are vulnerable once again. It is to accept that they have survived with all the guilt that comes with it, to process what they felt, to pick up the pieces as best as they can, and move on.

If there’s anyone in the world that Fili would let do this to him, it is Kili.

A breath from his brother. “Thank you. Now you.”

Fili nods, shivers as little, but forces his arms to rest still by his sides as Kili tugs the leather kaftan away, closing his eyes against the images flooding his mind.

_A harsh command in black speech and a sinister drawl that follows. Fili can’t understand the words but the general idea is clear in his mind._

_And what have we here?_

_The pale orc, the one that cut off his grandfather’s head and threw it before Thorin’s feet and Fili curled up in the corner with his filthy blade, like an animal that knows its fate is sealed._

_Will it hurt much? The thought is brief, gone within moments._

_Dwarves are not given to such sentiments._

_Kili should be safe._

_Come what may._

_He lashes out quietly, so he doesn’t draw Kili into the danger, the furious roar ringing only inside his head. The most dangerous prey is the one mortally wounded, with nothing left to lose. He aims for the thigh artery - an easiest target, considering the difference in their heights – but the kick to his ribs sends him flying and his blade slides, lodging itself deeply in orc’s calf._

_He remembers regret, remembers thinking how proud Thorin would have been, if he managed this feat, then satisfaction at the outraged cry and then there’s only pain as blows and kicks rain on him, curling up and trying to protect his head._

_You need to be awake for this. Lose consciousness and it’s all over._

“Your turn.”

Kili rests his head against Fili’s and chooses not to look either, his mind’s eyes focussed instead on the similar nightmares to the ones Fili knows. 

He wears more layers because Fili insisted – back then, a lifetime ago.

Vambraces, gloves – Fili tilts his head, allows his temple to rub against Kili’s cheek – remembers the way Kili only needs a scrap of fur or a pillow to fall asleep, virtually _anywhere_ , remembers them as children, trying to climb atop a pony – leather tunic underneath –

He pauses at a sharp hiss of pain and discovers that the left sleeve of Kili’s tunic is soaked up in blood.

“It’s nothing, it’s just –“ But Kili’s eyes glaze over and Fili is driven by the need to see for himself as he tears open the fabric of Kili’s undergarment, the panic that he managed to keep at bay with the memories, overpowering now.

It’s a nasty, wide gash but not very deep, bleeding profusely for its sheer size. 

“See?” Kili’s lips ghosting over his forehead, his hairline, his hair, “I’m fine.”

As if it could be true. As if it could ever be – Fili doesn’t know where to even begin healing and he’s fairly certain Kili doesn’t know either. How can he help him when he is so hopelessly lost himself?

He’s always known his purpose, could always tell what needed to be done, what was expected of him. He listened to his heart, understood what it felt and now…

It’s all more, but less at the same time, muted by the shock, but screaming inside him louder than ever, scraps of thoughts tattered and desperate and barely holding him together:

 _Protect_.

 _Never again_.

_I’m sorry, I dared to live._

_Please, what do I do?!_

_I love him._

“Now let me…?” Kili’s voice is gentle, as he interrupts the mayhem in his head.

He startles again at the touch to his chest, misses the closeness from a moment ago, but allows the familiar hands to tug aside the tunic and reveal the hidden breast – and back – plates.

Fili trembles now, can’t help it. His secret is revealed and in a moment he will be bare and helpless when they come for him, helpless against Kili’s fingers and warmth.

“This saved your life.”

“Yes.” He covers his mouth when a small whimper escapes him and even Kili’s hands aren’t enough to save him from what comes next.

_He couldn’t keep up, his legs throbbing with the bruises, his head pounding and stunned as to where he was and what was happening._

_He was flung by the scruff of his armour, struggled wildly, terrified of the drop below him._

_More black speech and he knew he had been turned into a sacrifice, some blood to be spilled and flesh to be cut open, nothing left of the person he had once been. It was the helplessness of being denied the right to die with dignity that broke him._

“Fili!”

_It was the last time he saw Thorin (alive)._

_He saw the wide eyes and disbelief and he screamed “Go!! Run!” because for everything they had done to him he wouldn’t let them take away the Fili of Ered Luin, the Fili who most of all wanted to keep his loved ones safe._

_Thorin only saw the martyr. The orc certainly only saw an instrument of vengeance. Kili didn’t see him at all._

_It was better that way._

_The fear was absolute, but he was dead already, from the moment they took away all the choices from him, from the moment they made him into what they wanted him to be and destroyed what he had been. It was now just a case of going through the motions._

_The stab hurt more than anything else he had ever known._

_In truth he had forgotten about the metal backplate hidden under the armour and only when he felt it bending from the force of the blow, one rib snapping, then the other, coming so close to piercing his lung, making him choke on air, did he realise that it wouldn’t be so quick._

_The orc couldn’t skewer him through, but he had to die -_

“Fili, look at me!!”

_The freefall was cruel._

_I was born out of stone and now it will be stone that kills me – it was such a stupid thought._

_He didn’t fight it, there was nothing in him left that would make him flail and scream._

_In that moment Fili was dead._

The kiss jerks him out of the memory but isn’t enough to erase the images in his mind. It tastes of blood, desperate lips and salty dampness on his face.

It’s his first, he thinks vaguely, and he never thought it would feel like this, he never dared to hope, but – 

“Please. Come back!” Kili whispers against his lips and a hot tongue slips inside and it’s that feeling of being surrounded and held together and cared for and – 

_Loved_

\- That finally gives Fili his life back.

_He remembers Kili’s face, his beloved and determined face as he did the stupidest thing in his life. His hands not only reaching for Fili, but even jumping up to meet him in their death._

_He remembers the grunt as Kili let his weight hit his body with its full momentum, cushioning the fall, before they both tumbled to the ground and everything went black with the force of the blow to his temple._

_Fili was convinced that it was finally over._

He kisses back.

He can’t _not_ , as the metal is pulled away and dropped to the side with a loud clang, removing the pressure from his broken ribs. 

He takes his first deep breath in between the kisses, drunk and stunned as his fingers scramble over the laces and buttons of Kili’s undergarments, and it hurts, hurts like hell, as the bones move within him to accommodate the expansion of his lungs, but it doesn’t matter.

He has to get at Kili’s skin or he will die again, he has to feel Kili’s heartbeat –

Throughout everything that has happened he has never been as afraid as he is now.

Because to accept what is happening, to take this thing between them which he wants with every part of his being, is to truly embrace that he is alive. 

That he is allowed to have this.

That they both survived.

And for the first time, Fili actually wants that, remembers what it’s like, what’s important to him and who he is.

He nearly rips the shirt off and Kili is doing the same for him until it’s skin against skin and two heartbeats together.

And if their enemies do come to destroy them later, let them come. Fili will fight his nightmares together with his brother, those demons of the last hours, because they can’t touch what he’s just been given.

Let them come. 

Let him live.

Let him mourn and hurt and feel, all the things that are his to be had.

Let him laugh and let him be forgiven.

_Kili -_

As the shock wears off and that muffled feeling of his surroundings melts away, the pain shoots through him as well, bones grinding together in his leg, and the bruises and cuts, so many that he lost count.

He stumbles a little, but he’s too wrapped up in his brother to actually fall.

Kili pauses just for a moment to walk them backwards and hitch Fili up a bit to sit him on top of a chest of drawers.

It’s only then that Kili’s words reach him, constant jumble of thoughts spilling out of him as if he couldn’t stop them:

“I was so afraid, I love you, Fili, brother, I thought I would never get to do this, they hurt you so bad, how could you send me away, I love you, you stupid idiot, I love you, never do this again, mine, only mine, you went away and I didn’t know what to do, _Fili_ , stay, please, brother, please, with me, I can’t –“

“Shhhhh…”

He wraps his arms around Kili’s back and they hold on for a while, not even kissing any more, just whispering of their fears and horrors and hopes.

It’s the time to weep and re-live and withstand, together.

By the time they reach for the flannel and the bowl of water to wash away the blood, grime and sweat, Kili has his hands in Fili’s hair, side of his palm grounding against the shell of his ear.

“I love you.” Fili whispers back finally, hands steady on Kili’s waist, careful of the bruises and things he came so close to losing.

There are a million thoughts in his head, all screaming at him, as blue eyes search the brown ones –

 _I am to be the king_.

 _He loves me_.

 _He saved me_.

 _And I saved him_.

_Kili will be there._

_We’re alive_.

 _We’re here_.

 _I have no armour left_.

_He loves me and I can have this. ___

__And Fili closes his eyes and focusses on the feeling of the soft cloth in Kili’s hands sliding over his skin._ _

__In his mind he picks up the first piece, the one that says ‘I love him’ and puts it back where it belongs – right in the centre of things, right in the middle of who he is._ _

**Author's Note:**

> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
>  True friendship be like:
> 
> [16:12:23] Linane .: So hey, I wrote like 3.4k worth of horrible horrible angst, but resolved. wanna read it?  
> [16:12:51] Linane .: (◕‿◕✿)  
> [16:13:07] Dragon's Quill: of course I dooooo  
> [16:19:23] Dragon's Quill: MY POOR FILI YOU ABSOLUTE MONSTER LILLY I LOVE IT  
> [16:19:47] Dragon's Quill: AHHH THE PARAGRAPH ON MERCU AND LITTLE ANIMALS AND DIS AND BofUR aNd DoRI my HEarT  
> [16:22:21] Dragon's Quill: sniffles  
> [16:22:25] Dragon's Quill: HAS TISSUES good  
> [16:25:05] Dragon's Quill: THE FILI OF ERED LUIN YOU ARE SATAN  
> [16:25:08] Dragon's Quill: sniffles some more  
> [16:26:19] Dragon's Quill: YES KILI DAMMIT THIS IS WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED ARRRRGH  
> [16:26:29] Dragon's Quill: OVERCOME BY NINE BAZILLION FEELS


End file.
